It's almost midnight, and still I am awake. Restless and exhausted at the same time. And so I choose to write. Something I should have started days,weeks,months,years ago. To record it. Whatever it is. It feels like the right time, finally. Why, I do not know. I don't know much right now. Actually, that's not true. I know much. A lot of much. Take a deep breath and tell the truth...
1. I am married with two children. My family is my world.
2. I have totally withdrawn from my family and I have no idea how I've kept it hidden for so long, pretending to be present.
3. I think they know.
4. I am not coping well, in general.
5.I have written and deleted this line 5 times now.
6. What I deleted above was that 4 hours ago I considered what it would be like if I wasn't here anymore.
7. I haven't had thoughts like that in over 10 years.
8. 3 hours ago I took an online test to determine if I was depressed. I scored a 67. 54 and above is considered severe depression that needs immediate attention. So I took a different test.
9. I scored a 30 on the second test. 15 was the threshold for severe depression.
10. 2 hours ago I made an online appointment with my doctor to ask for help.
11. 1 hour ago I stopped crying.
12. I come from a long line of depression, bi-polar, and suicide.
13. I have a deep seated belief that I am strong enough to handle life on my own.
14. I am scared.
I have so many other truths. And I want to write them all down. I finally want to tell my stories, one story at a time. I do feel, in some ways, that even writing them here, I should embellish, lie, hide the truth so that no one will ever know. It has always been so important to me to appear to have it together. So deciding to tell all my truths, while at the same time doing so publicly in a blog seems insane. And yet, right. So. Here I am.
I am writing this for my children. Do I use their real names? Is there etiquette here? I don't know. I will call them Big A and Lil A. For now. This is for them. I don't know the future. This blog may be something they need to read somewhere down the line. To understand me, to understand themselves.
For Lil A - She came into this world 14 weeks early, weighing 1.3 pounds. I don't even need to write more on that to help you imagine what that was like. She's scarred in so many ways. At 5, I see so much in her that only makes sense when I remember how she started. How I planned her funeral before I planned her name. Just in case. I'll write her beginnings story soon. It deserves its own post.
For Big A - Brilliance. Sheer brilliance. And fighting demons the whole time. Diagnosed with Bi-Polar, Tourrette's Syndrome, Separation Anxiety, and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder at the tender age of 9. Now at 10, still learning to cope. My heart aches - just aches - for him. We have been so focused on Lil A for so long, turns out Big A needed us more.
I don't know how to write this blog....until I get all the stories out, it won't be in chronological order. And that drives me nuts. I will learn to cope. I have to start somewhere. Slowly. Methodically. Tell the stories. The ones worth telling. And some that aren't. Until they're all told. And I hope the little lights are still shining bright when all is said and done.
Shine on -
Shannon
